How to address the inlaws... ?

[sillygoosegirl]

My mother- and father-in-law have asked me to call them Mom and Dad. On general principle, I'm fine with this. And I don't want to let them down or anything. I love them and they are both *like* family to me, and also *family* to me. But somehow now as I go to write an email to my mother-in-law, I find it difficult. We've been married almost 2 years... I feel like I should be used to this by now... but I've actually gone to a decent bit of effort to avoid situations where I need to use a name for them at all. I don't have so much trouble seeing my sister-in-law as just "my sister", even though that was never asked or expected of me as far as I know... in part probably because I didn't grow up with my real sister (she's 16 years older), and in part because, even though I only have the one sister, I've certainly always thought of "sister" as a natural thing to have more than one of, and to want more of. And then there's the fact that I call both sisters by their first names, not "Sister". But "Mom"? Mom is Susan, not Peggy. Mom is the woman who raised me and homeschooled me. Mom is the woman responsible for so many of my happy childhood memories. Mom is the only Mom I will ever have or want. Peggy has a special place in my life and in my heart, one that deserves to be called more than just Peggy, but I don't know what place she should have in my vocabulary, because... what can I say? Mom feels... taken. I can't help but feel like it takes something away from my mom to call another woman "Mom".

I don't suppose I could get away with calling her "Aunt Peggy"? Or perhaps "Mamadorf"? Sigh. What's a girl to do?

Comments

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

At Falcon Ridge, we have a "camp mom" named Jill. She's older than the rest of us (her daughter is our age and also camps with us), and we all love her like the mom she is to us for five days out of the year. We all call her Jillmom or Jmom. She likes this - maybe you could do the same sort of thing for Peggy, though Pegmom doesn't quite have the same ring to it...

[g-me.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with your gut feeling on this one - that it feels strange or somehow innappropriate to call someone "mom" who isn't, especially when you already have a "mom," per se.

I call both of my stepparents, as well as my mother and father in law, by their first names. This has never seemed to cause a problem for anyone in my family, but I can understand why your mother-in-law might want or encourage some kind of appelation besides just her first name - which is, after all, what most people in the world probably call her, and isn't as "special," per se. I wonder, like the previous poster, if there's any kind of alternative "mom" word you could use. My parents used to use "Ma" for their mother-in-laws, and we used to have 4 different versions of "grandma" for the various grandparents...(Gram, Grams, Grandma, Nana...) there should be more for moms and dads, since so many people have multiple ones now. :-)

[dclayh.livejournal.com]

I agree with the "just use her first name" idea; I don't think it's letting your in-laws down or anything.

On the subject of weird custom names, though, my dad's mother has always had me (and her other grandchildren, and in fact her children's spouses do it as well) call her "Granmary" to distinguish her from other grandmothers—her name obviously being "Mary".

[sillygoosegirl.livejournal.com]

Um... would you remind me of that one in a couple few decades?

[paperclippy.livejournal.com]

I agree . . . mostly. My parents had an issue apparently because my mom's mother wanted my dad to call her "Mother Ackermann" and he was like no, I will just call you by your first name. She never approved of the marriage in the first place (since my dad is Jewish) and I think she was pretty upset about him refusing to call her what she wanted. Luckily they live on opposite coasts and my dad hasn't had to interact with my grandma more than once every five years or so. He actively avoids having to visit them (he also thinks my mom's sister is crazy, but that's another issue).

I say talk to her about it. Tell her that you appreciate that she wants to be close family with you but that you feel like by calling her "Mom" you feel like you're cheating your own mom out of the role (that's what it sounds like, anyway). Suggest a couple options to her of different things you could call her if you want, she ought to understand.

As for grandmas, we always called mine "Grandma Mary" and "Grandma Erica." Grandma Erica's husband was just "Grandpa," and Grandma Mary's husband was "Grandpa Charlie" (both of them were named Charlie, but Grandpa Charlie died when I was about 4). Ben called his "Grandma Lawall" and "Grandma Zeckel." Nowadays I only have one grandparent left (Grandma Erica) so she is just "Grandma" but I have to admit that it feels a little weird, since I grew up living near Grandma Mary and always think of her as my grandmother first.

I know that was more info than you wanted, sorry! For the record, I have trouble when addressing things to my future in-laws that are going to be signed by both myself and Ben, since he obviously calls them Mom and Dad and I call them by their first names. Once I wrote "Dear Sara and Mike (Mom and Dad)..."

Also, random funny story. Once my sister bought a mother's day card for my mom, but spaced out and dropped it in the mailbox having written only "To Mom, From Becky" on the envelope!

[mandyessa.livejournal.com]

I totally understand your thoughts. I have no idea what to call Ed's Parents. I think it is more difficult because Chris asked them if he could call them mom and dad at about the time that he and newt got married, but I also think that Chris knew them a lot longer, and was more into that kind of thing.

The relationship that I have with my mom is so very different from any relationship that I could ever have with Ed's mom. My parents are able to treat me like an adult, and I am not sure that Ed's mom will ever be able to do that for anyone. So I think that there will always be a little bit of resistance on my part to calling her mom when the relationship is so different. I don't think she would respond positively to me telling her I don't feel comfortable calling her mom. I mean, she told me to call her mom the day Ed and I called to say that we were engaged. It is very awkward and confusing. And totally feels taken. no other way to describe it. My mom is my mom. I can't just meet you, and with no time at all, start calling you mom.

I just want to have children, so that I can call her grandma or whatever, as a model for the kids. Then it doesn't even describe a relationship that I have with her, and it is still respectful.

I have to go now...but I just wanted to commiserate