Goddamn cold

On the bright side though, I think this means I made the right decision about the history course. Seeing as I started getting sick on September 25, and the only time I really felt well was over fall break when I was sleeping 10+ hours and a day and spending a lot of my awake time passed out on Josh's floor. It's worse today than it has been in a while.

I think this means I am pushing myself too hard. Maybe not to hard in a general sense (I think I might have been able to handled this workload had I not gotten sick), but clearly I am not giving my body the attention it deserves.

Now I don't feel like a wimp any more. I feel like a sore throat.

I don't know why I didn't drop history and take Greek Art and Arcatechure with Josh this semester. He's been doing back reading for it recently because there is a test coming up. They've had just over 200 pages of reading so far. The history class assignes that much in less than two fucking weeks. Sure there is a 10 page research paper, but I've already written well over 14 pages on primary sources from that general period.

Yeah, I was an idiot at the beginning of the semester. I knew I couldn't make it through the history class. For some reason (which escapes me now) I wanted to try.

Guess What?

My rose finally decided to open.

Christmas

So I was talking with my parents last Sunday. They've been bugging me about Christmas plans for a bit. I'd been kind of toying with the idea of me going to Josh's house for the beginning of break, and him coming to my house for the end of break. Perhaps with some in between time with each of us at home, perhaps not. Josh is pretty keen on the idea of riding the train down again (which certainly surprised me). So we were looking at tickets from ONT to CVG and CVG to PDX (doing the "multiple destinations" thing so it wont cost a fortune). Anyway, it still costs a fortune (about $450 each), but it is a smaller fortune that it would cost Josh to just go home. Anyway, my parents offered to pay for my ticket. I was really surprised. I thought they would give me a hard time about not coming home for Christmas. Like, I'm glad they are willing to let me make my own choices, but I'd thought they would want me at home... I guess I'm a little disappointed. But it looks like Christmas is a no-go anyhow. I'd been interested in going home with Josh for Christmas because it's an uber-huge deal in their family, and I'd wanted to see what it was all about for them. Anyway, it seems to not be all about bringing ones SO along. Or at least Josh thinks so. He told me that since his parents are living in a tiny transitional house right now, there probably wouldn't really be room for me. I said that it was okay if he didn't want me to come, but if that was his only reason, would he ask his parents how cramped it is (since Josh hasn't even seen it). Apparently Peggy said there would be plenty of space, but Josh's attitude seems to have not changed. So I am confused. Is he afraid I wouldn't like how they celebrate Christmas? Is he afraid his relatives wont like me? I don't know. He suggested that I come for the beginning of break and leave before Christmas, but I'm not willing to spend $250 (even of my parents' money) to be there for about 3 days at the beginning of break.

I'm not going to press the issue. Much as I know I'll hate it, being apart for a while this break will almost certainly be good for us. Josh always acts (when we are together) like time apart is no big deal. I don't know if he is just being forgetful, or if he doesn't actually miss me half as much as he lets on. So yeah, he can spend a few weeks of break thinking about being away at grad school for a year. I'm not bitter.

I've been thinking recently about some mental cycles related to my relationship. Ever since the beginning of all this, it has felt like for every two steps forward we take one step back. I've never really known why. I've blamed it on all kinds of things, but I'm beginning to think it's a sort of natural pattern. When it we are taking the first step forward, my confidence in the relationship is renewed and stronger than ever. It is fun and I am happy. But then as we take the second step forward, I freak out. Oh my God, this is going to fast. What if I'm being stupid. What if I make the wrong choice. I become very critical of Josh. I begin looking for and seeing faults. Eventually I begin to not care quite as much anymore. And we take a step back. But the step back is fun. It's a little bit of a starting over, but we've found a better place to start from. I have this feeling like I'm waltzing towards a cliff, and as much fun as it looks like to leap off, I'm not sure my hang-glider is adequate.