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sillygoosegirlNormally it doesn't bother me when it is hot and I am trying to sleep, but tonight it really is. I think it is largely due to my head being wet. It makes me feel all hot and damp and icki--like my own little cloud of humidity. Opened up all the windows. That should cool things down eventually.
Also, my brain just sort of turned on and wants to think about stuff now instead of sleeping. Earlier today it just sort of hit me that Josh isn't going to be at school next year. Like, I knew before, but a whole bunch of implications of that just sort of popped to the surface of my attention. Most of those implications make me feel sad that he wont be around. It was just like a flood of happy Mudd memories hit me, and I realized what a big part of them being happy involved Josh. And most of the happy memories that don't involve Josh date back to my freshman year, and most of those people who they involved instead are also gone... some of them for several years. I know there are still a lot of awesome people at Mudd, and a new batch coming in... but those aren't the people who made my dreams come true. Most of them I don't even hardly know.
I'm still looking forward to going back. For better or for worse I am going back to Mudd alone next year. I can never help being both scared and excited about new things. There's also a part of me that really wants to be on my own--I didn't know it until this summer, but I also can't deny it. At the same time, I know I'm going to be lonely a lot of the time. Not all the time, but EVERYTHING at Mudd is going to remind me of Josh and I think that's going to be really hard to deal with.
It's cooled down in here. Josh has reached a stopping place in his book. It is well after 11. I think it is time to go to bed. Go to bed, self.
Also, my brain just sort of turned on and wants to think about stuff now instead of sleeping. Earlier today it just sort of hit me that Josh isn't going to be at school next year. Like, I knew before, but a whole bunch of implications of that just sort of popped to the surface of my attention. Most of those implications make me feel sad that he wont be around. It was just like a flood of happy Mudd memories hit me, and I realized what a big part of them being happy involved Josh. And most of the happy memories that don't involve Josh date back to my freshman year, and most of those people who they involved instead are also gone... some of them for several years. I know there are still a lot of awesome people at Mudd, and a new batch coming in... but those aren't the people who made my dreams come true. Most of them I don't even hardly know.
I'm still looking forward to going back. For better or for worse I am going back to Mudd alone next year. I can never help being both scared and excited about new things. There's also a part of me that really wants to be on my own--I didn't know it until this summer, but I also can't deny it. At the same time, I know I'm going to be lonely a lot of the time. Not all the time, but EVERYTHING at Mudd is going to remind me of Josh and I think that's going to be really hard to deal with.
It's cooled down in here. Josh has reached a stopping place in his book. It is well after 11. I think it is time to go to bed. Go to bed, self.
