Look! An update!

I don't know why I've been so moody lately. I think it's probably mostly cabin fever. Josh has been here since Friday, which has mostly been nice. However, having him here has also been a little trying. At school, we each have our own things to do, but at my house, there's not much for Josh to do that doesn't involve me. After my pap appointment (early, early this morning) I came back and wanted to get some stuff done, such as laundry, cinnamon rolls, and packing stuff to ship back to school. But it felt like I constantly had either my mom or Josh or both trying to get my attention for something or other. That was pretty hard to take and made my very grouchy. There are still a few things that Josh does (or doesn't do) which drive me up the wall. I really don't like the way he avoids foods he doesn't like as if he is allergic to them. I guess for me refusing to eat food given to you as a guest is extremely rude, but Josh doesn't seem to see anything inappropriate about it. I have this really strong fear that Josh will grow up to be like his father (whom I don't particularly like). So when Josh says that he'd like the dish we're having with corn in it, it really sets me off: he grew up eating corn as part of pretty much every meal because it was the only vegetable his father would eat.

It's so frustrating the way Josh's family "knows" the "right way" to do everything. Over the summer, we could normally strike compromises, but at my parents house I do things the way my parents want things done. Why? Because it's their house, they're going to win any argument anyhow, and I don't want a lecture about why they believe things have to be done this way or that. I'm sick of telling Josh again and again that my parents still don't do things that way. Isn't that enough? Josh would like to make chicken crescents tonight for dinner. I also think that would be fun and yummy, but I don't want to be involved in a three-way this-way-that-way argument with Josh and my mom.

Anyway, I'm currently upset because Josh and I were snapping at each other earlier, and that's not what I want and it makes me unhappy and angry. I'd like to stop being angry but I have this uncontrollable desire to lash out at something. What's wrong with me?

My appointment this morning went well. The nurse was really surprised that I needed the results of my pap sent to Baxter. She didn't see why I couldn't just tell the folks at Baxter that I had it done and I was healthy. She also gave me a couple of the birth control ring things to try out. They have a different combination of hormones than the depo, and might be better for my mental health (if the depo is actually what is making me depressed). Additionally, she can call in a prescription for me to a pharmacy in the Claremont area, so I wouldn't have to deal with Baxter at all. That would be totally awesome. The depo is good until the end of January, but hopefully we will all observe a new, happier, nicer, depo-free Mary next semester. Wouldn't that be great?

Finally, I think I need more sleep. Maybe I also need to worry less about Josh. I think I've written regarding this before, but it seems like there are some definite cycles in our relationship when things get serious, they get less fun because these potential problems come to the surface, then things get less serious because of the problems, this causes them to be more fun, and more fun leads to more serious. Josh keeps talking like he wants to get engaged, particularly soonish (it seems) because it will (or at least may) affect what he does next year. I also want to get engaged, but I want to know (or at least be able to convince myself) that it's a good choice.

Time to go. See everyone soonish.