Braids

I have cute hair. Josh braided it. There are two little braids, one coming from each side and joining in the back and braided together. The rest of my hair is loose.

Entirely unrelated -- Josh says there is an orgy in Dan and Vrable's room and that I should let you all know so you can run over and join in.

Good Dreams

I wish that everything could be so easy and straightforward and nice in real life as it is sometimes in my dreams.

Joshua

He's a big meanie-head.

Blah

This has to be the shortest reading assignment yet from my history class. However, it is still 81 dense pages long and it is poorly written, hard to understand, uninteresting, and full of typos, so it is going really really slowly. And either the author or the translator is really sloppy with pronouns, so it is really hard to skim. In fact, it's hard to just read, because I keep loosing track of who is being talked about and I often have to go back a really long way to figure it out. Stupid history reading. My semester would be so much easier without that class. I wonder if I will be able to pass-fail it. That would make it suck a lot less.

Electronics Lab

Does anybody know how Petersen grades for lab? Like say, what sort of grade a 3.5 would correspond to? I want to know if I am working too hard or not hard enough.

This lab may be better than previous ones, but doing write ups still sucks.

Joshua & Grad School

Why me? Why this?

I know, it's 7 months out, but it's coming. We are two weeks away from being half way through this semester. After that there is a semester before he is gone. And what after that? As Seema said "'Wait and see' sucks fat monkey cock" and I heartily agree with her. I'm not sure I'm willing to put myself through a "wait and see" LDR. I want to know what will become of us. I want to know what I want to become of us. I really don't want him to go away for grad school. I don't want to spend a year apart, and after the year apart, I don't want to have only one choice for a grad school to go to myself. I could choose to go to grad school in a different city than him, but that would be ridiculous if we wanted to get married and start a family after working through PhDs. I could be practically too old to have children by the time we'd had a chance to live in the same city for a few years. So going to different grad schools (or at least grad schools in different cities) and staying together is definitely not an option in my book. So how do I feel about being apart for a year and then having one choice of grad school? Well, thus far I am a better student, so I would probably at least be able to get into whatever grad school he chose. But that doesn't mean I want to go there. Why should he be the one to make the grad school choice. And what if I don't get in? I've spent a year in a miserable LDR and I've got nothing to show for it.

If I had my way, he would get a job of some sort (hopefully around here) for a year and we would apply to and choose a grad school together. But he doesn't like that idea. He doesn't want to get a job.

I waver back and forth. Am I willing to deal with this? Am I willing to stay with him even if he goes away to grad school? Even if it's a grad school I don't like? Part of me says that I really love him and if I really love him then I should be willing to do so. Part of me counters that if Josh really loves me and really deserves my love, he wont force me into such a situation. It is an interesting paradox.

A part of me (sometimes large, sometimes small) thinks that I do not have enough confidence in the relationship to continue it if it is not being enjoyable. A long "wait and see" LDR would not be enjoyable. Therefore, if Josh goes away to grad school, I will break up with him. And no keeping in touch and maybe getting back together in a year, that would make me very miserable. Maybe this means I don't have enough confidence in the relationship to justify Josh staying around. Sometimes I think so and sometimes I don't. Right now I am in a think so mood. Nevertheless, I would still wish that he would stay nearby, because maybe I will develop that much confidence in the relationship. I would like to. I do love him very much. But sometimes I think I do not love him enough to put up with him leaving for grad school. This leaves me with a very interesting (I think) question, and one which I would be very interested to hear responses to. Do I wait until after Josh has made his commitment to a grad school, and then break the news to him that the relationship is over? I would argue that this is the best course of action because it allows Josh to make his own decision, and he shouldn't be pressured by me to stick around because I don't care about him enough to stay together if he leaves. Or, should I let him know that if he wants to keep me he needs to stay around? On general principle I think it is wrong to threaten to break up with someone if he doesn't do what I say, but what if it's true? If it's true, then isn't it the right thing to do because it is the honest thing to do? It is, of course, what I want to do because even if I don't love him enough to stay together if he leaves (and I'm not 100% sure about that), I do love him enough to desperately want him to stay. I do not like to quantify love like this because I don't know how much I love him or why or how I can tell. It's like an uncollapsed quantum state--or something.

Part of me knows that I shouldn't think about this because it will only make me unhappy for the rest of the time I do have with Josh, and this whole dating thing is supposed to (above and beyond all other things) be fun. But it eats me up inside. I don't know if reaching some answers for myself will help, whether Josh hears about them or not.

Now Josh knows that I've been writing something. He is not going to be happy that I don't let him see it. I am not happy for hiding it. It leaves me wondering, which is the greater evil? To hide or to coerce? Or is the evil already done if I have to ask this question?

Well, I think it's worth your time. And I'd definitely appreciate hearing opinions. And I know some of what I've written makes me a bad person so you're not going to going to say anything that will upset me more than I upset myself.

I would especially like opinions about whether or not I should share this entry with Josh.